


Crave

by Lalaen



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Assisted Self Harm, Community: snkkink, Consensual Violence, Eye Gouging, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Physical Abuse, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-31
Updated: 2013-12-31
Packaged: 2018-01-06 20:54:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1111414
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lalaen/pseuds/Lalaen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bertholdt wants redemption. It's the one thing Reiner can't give him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Crave

**Author's Note:**

> For snkkink.

You crave punishment.

In this, as in all things, there is one person you trust. However, unlike everything else; this is one thing he cannot provide you. You've begged, you've pleaded, you've fucking cried. You've literally taken his hand and put it to your throat. 

You spit blood, a giddy laugh bubbling up from your bruised throat. You cough and it hurts and you love it. 

He wouldn't lay a hand on you, so you had to go to someone else. The only other person who you could.

Your gaze rises to Annie's face, though you only get a glimpse of her before her sharp little fist connects with your eye. It feels like the blood vessel burst, and you give a soft gasp, your vision flashing even as you squeeze your eyes shut.

When you bring your head back up, she's crouching in front of you. Her face is cold and unreadable. Two tiny delicate fingers catch you under your chin, keeping your head up, and your insides squirm. You can feel her reading you, judging you; feel the sting of all the little cuts she's scratched on your skin, feel the dull ache of your missing teeth and the pounding in your head.

She raises two more fingers, points them like arrows. Her nails are shockingly long and well-groomed. There is no warning before she plunges them into your eye socket, straight and sure.

You feel overwhelming pressure for a split second, then a thick pop. Fluid gushes down over your cheek, drips from your chin, and a small strangled noise issues from your throat. 

"Had enough?" her voice is unusually rough. You look up at her with your remaining eye.

You will never have enough. You will never find redemption for the blood you've spilled, for what you've done. Reiner is lucky enough to forget.

You cannot.

Despite this, you nod. She nods back, and takes out a cloth to clean your face. Steam jets from your hand as you tell your well-trained body to repair your broken fingers. You wish you didn't have to, wish you could lay there damaged and bloody because it's all you deserve.

You don't think Annie particularly cares about you, and that's fine. However, she knows how important it is to cover up her work to avoid questions, so, businesslike, she helps you clean up. 

You think she likes having someone to take her own pain out on, but that is only a suspicion. 

After you mend your hands, you indicate that she should sneak back in to the women's barracks. She'll be in trouble if she's caught outside them past lights out. When she's gone, you get to work on your eye. You can hide your missing teeth until tomorrow, and if need be some of the cuts can stay. The empty socket you cannot hide.

"Bertl?"

Your head shoots up. You do not like the sound of the horror in that very familiar voice. 

Reiner grabs your face, dark eyes scanning it desperately, the ying to Annie's emotionless yang. You press a weak hand to his chest, try to wave him away, but as usual he is unmoving. 

"What the fuck is going on?" 

It scares you how much he looks like a frightened kid, how much he looks like he might cry. You couldn't take that. He is as much your tie to any semblance of emotional control as you are his to sanity.

"Redemption," you rasp, as if that explains it. Frustrated at your inability to talk, you let tendrils of steam curl from your lips as you fix your throat.

"Who?" he looks angry. Hell, he looks like he could kill someone. You don't doubt that he would, if it was to protect you - in either state of mind. Then his expression melts back to shocked disbelief as the ration part of him evidently tells him there's only one person you could get to inflict 'lasting damage' on you. "Not Annie?"

You nod. God, you're so tired. His worried hand rests over your mending eye with incredible gentleness. When he removes it, you are able to look up with two. You blink a few times, vision a little blurry. 

"I told you I needed it." You say as you stumble to your feet, him following you immediately. "I told you so many damn times. I begged you," you can feel your brow knit with worry again now that the pain which deadens you is lessening. "Reiner, it's the only thing I've ever asked from you..." you're pleading again.

"I can't." He cups your face in both of his large hands, and his expression softens to a degree you doubt anyone else has ever seen. "Bertl, don't make me hurt you."

You let him kiss you, let him baby you because you know it's what he needs. When you lay awake at night you will feel guilty for being looked after and treasured when you don't deserve it; but this is what he needs and seeing him smile makes you as happy as you can ever get.

As you continue to heal yourself, you let him fuss and coo. It keeps him stable and sane.

For a guilty moment, it lets you pretend that both of you are normal.

Unlike Reiner, you know that is a just a pretty lie.


End file.
